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You send a message and see that the other person has read it. There is no reply yet.
You open the message again. You check what you wrote. Then you start thinking about what you could say to explain yourself, just in case they took it the wrong way.
Nothing has been said. But you are already preparing to defend yourself.
In episode 04 of The Purpose Path Podcast, Tom Snow and I talk about the defenses that once kept you alive. And that is where I want to start.
A defense is not something to be ashamed of. There may have been a time when paying close attention to someone’s response helped you get through a difficult situation. You learned to watch, explain or stay ready.
But what happens when you are still preparing for criticism before you know what the other person wants to say?
You may answer a question with a long explanation. You may say sorry before you know if anything is wrong. Or you may read a short reply and start going over everything you said.
The other person might simply be busy. They might also have something difficult to discuss. The point is that, in that moment, you do not know yet.
Your mind is filling in the answer.
When explaining felt necessary
Think about a moment when someone asked you a simple question and you felt the need to explain every part of your decision.
“Why did you do it that way?”
Maybe you heard it as a question. Or maybe you heard that you had done something wrong.
If you had to explain yourself often in the past, that response can become familiar. Your body may react before you have had time to listen to the whole question. You might feel your chest tighten, or notice yourself speaking faster.
That does not mean every question is safe. And it does not mean every concern is only in your head. Sometimes someone is being critical, and you can take time to decide how you want to respond.
But sometimes a question is just a question. The difficulty is noticing the difference when you are already preparing an answer.
Trying to stop yourself from feeling defensive can become another thing you judge yourself for. You notice the long explanation and then think, “Why am I doing this again?”
Now you are not only trying to answer the other person. You are also telling yourself that your response is wrong.
Can you get curious about it instead?
Making space before you answer
This week, notice one moment when you want to explain yourself quickly. It could be a message, a question at work or a conversation with someone close to you.
Before you answer, look at what was actually said. Read the message once more, or listen to the question again in your mind.
Then notice what you added to it.
Did the person say you had done something wrong? Did they ask you to apologize? Or did your mind go there before they said anything?
You do not need to give yourself a perfect answer. You are making a little bit of space to see what is happening.
If it helps, put both feet on the floor. Take a breath. Feel where your body is touching the chair or the ground.
Then ask yourself what you need to know before you respond. You can ask the other person a question. You can say, “Can you tell me what you mean?” You can also say you need a little time to think.
That is not the same as avoiding the conversation. You are giving yourself a chance to hear it.
You do not have to explain everything
Imagine the other person replies to your message and says they were busy. You had already written a long explanation, but you have not sent it.
You can pause and read it again. Do you still want to send all of it? Maybe there is something you want to say. Maybe the explanation was for a conversation that never happened.
And if the person does have a concern, you can listen to that too. You do not have to agree straight away. You also do not have to defend every choice before you understand what they are asking.
Start with what you know. Then ask about what you do not know.
This takes practice. A familiar response can come back, especially in a conversation that matters to you. If you notice it after you have already sent the message, you can still look at what happened. You do not need to turn it into another reason to be hard on yourself.
You can learn from that moment and take what you noticed into the next one.
The defense had a reason. You can respect that and still ask whether you need it in the same way now.
The next time you feel the urge to explain yourself quickly, what did the other person actually say?
<h3>Listen to The Purpose Path Podcast</h3><div style="position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UQMreB557H4" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border:0;border-radius:12px;" allowfullscreen loading="lazy"></iframe></div>
More episodes and free resources: <a href="https://www.chenzoholisticcoaching.com/en/the-purpose-path-podcast">The Purpose Path Podcast</a> and <a href="https://www.chenzoholisticcoaching.com">chenzoholisticcoaching.com</a>.
With love, Chenzo Holistic Coaching Founder of The Purpose Path Podcast

You send a message and see that the other person has read it. There is no reply yet.

How to Notice Your Defenses When You Expect Criticism

Read essays on somatic healing, emotional trauma, sensitivity, and finding purpose. Written by Chenzo, holistic coach, empathic healer, tarot reader, and founder of The Purpose Path Podcast. New posts weekly.


Chenzo Holistic Coaching Blog: Somatic Healing, Sensitivity & Purpose

Read essays on somatic healing, emotional trauma, sensitivity, and finding purpose. Written by Chenzo, holistic coach, empathic healer, tarot reader, and founder of The Purpose Path Podcast. New posts weekly.

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How to Notice Your Defenses When You Expect Criticism

How to Notice Your Defenses When You Expect Criticism

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